For the longest time I only had the title of this post written. The topic of soulmates comes up all the time. One blog post is probably not enough to explore it fully, but trust me on this: stop looking for your soulmate.
I’ve heard all the stories you’re telling yourself. I’ve had dozens of dreamy-eyed clients share them with me in hopes that the cards can give them a date and time for Prince Charming’s arrival. It doesn’t work that way.
The idea of soulmates has been around for ages. Plato discusses it in his Symposium. He has the gods splitting multi-limbed humans into the bipeds we are now, leaving us longing for our missing half. There is the idea of Twin Flames which is one soul in two bodies. Edgar Cayce has you hooking up life after life with the same soulmate. I get the appeal. It’s sort of romantic to think there is someone out there who is the ideal fit for you. Add to this, romance novels and movies that revolve around the idea of a perfect mate who swoops in and they live happily ever after, and you have a persistent idea that won’t go away.
As a concept it’s lovely. As a way of operating in the world it’s problematic. It actually gets in the way of meaningful connection. If you think there is a perfect person waiting out there for you then you also think you know exactly what that looks like. This creates a template that all potential mates have to fit into or you reject them as not being ‘the one.’ Expecting perfection from people is unreasonable and sets you up for disappointment and them for frustration. Depending on what you believe about soulmates you will end relationships because of disagreements, or even simple misunderstandings. You tell yourself that your real soulmate would never do this or that or the other thing and you decide that behavior is proof that the person you are with is not right for you. Relationships don’t work this way.
Humans are flawed. Each and every one of us is imperfect. Having a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with someone is not effortless, even if that someone is who you are destined to be with. Expecting another person to intuitively know what you want and how to be with you is unrealistic and unfair. No one can do that and especially not before you really know each other. If you chase them off or ghost them you will never get to really know each other.
Why do I say stop looking for your soulmate? Because, the quest for a life partner is not a pursuit; it’s more about being the right person than it is about hunting for the right person. Stop looking for your soulmate and focus on being the best version of you that you can be. Learn who you really are and what you really want. Most importantly: Trust. Trust the Powers That Be to arrange the meeting at the optimal time. Trust that a guy who meets the good guy checklist is worth the effort even if he doesn’t conform to your notion of perfect. Trust yourself enough to allow for imperfection.
(photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash)