What do you say when you talk to yourself? Do you know? Or is there constant commentary running in your head that has been there so long you don’t even consciously notice it? Spring is a good time to start cleaning this up too.
Our self-talk is a combination of many factors. It might sound like a parent, even use his/her phrases, but it is not just a result of their input. The culture you were raised in, the friends you had and have, and the values you soak in your whole life. You filter this through your unique brain and it informs the things you place importance on and the things you judge and praise about yourself, out loud and in your own head.
We have all said things out loud that we wish we hadn’t but it’s the ‘in your own head’ conversation that can cause the most trouble. Everything you do in your life originates with a thought. Every action you take and decision you make is a thought first. If those thoughts are negative or defeatist you stop yourself before you even begin. So what can you do about this?
You need awareness of what you’re currently thinking about yourself so you can catch and stop the self-talk if it’s unhelpful, or deliberately focus on those things you think that are helping you. For positive results in your real world you want to cultivate the helpful thoughts and eliminate the others. You already know when, during your average day, your thoughts unspool while you’re busy doing something else. During a shower, commuting to work, or any other activity you do frequently that doesn’t require your undivided attention. It’s during these times that you can allow it to wander but pay attention to what you are thinking. If you catch yourself suddenly feeling sad, angry, jealous, stop and scroll back through the thoughts you had before the feeling hit. Once you are aware of what you’re saying you will catch it more readily and be able to stop yourself in your tracks.
Then you will need a helpful replacement for the unhelpful thoughts. Whatever is working against you has to go. Spin what you’ve been saying so it’s more helpful. Take a negative and reframe it, changing the context of the thought or the focus of it to a more positive one. You can tell the difference in how the thoughts feel and that can guide you. Keep the self-talk in the first person as in ‘I am…’ or ‘I feel…’ If you still aren’t sure whether you’re on the right track, say it out loud. Would you say this phrase to a person you love? Would they feel better after hearing it? Do you?