Coneflower Soul

A poem for Christmas

Dec 242018

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Winter Solstice

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Dec 172018

This morning, over breakfast, my son stated that he’s already sick of winter and it hasn’t even officially started yet. He’s not alone in hating this time of year but it’s not winter he’s sick of. It’s autumn. Autumn starts off so beautifully but is actually the bleakest, darkest time of year. I told him to hang in there. The sun is coming back on or about Friday. That’s why we celebrate the beginning of winter: because the light is returning. The sky in New York is frequently overcast especially in late fall and throughout the winter. The world here gets gray. The trees are bare. The grass is dormant and mostly brown. Just when the gray really starts getting to you; the light changes. Yes, it gets cold. Yes, it gets snowy and cloudy but if you look for the signs you will find them. You will see the sun creeping back in.

I told him it’s one of the things I keep track of as winter progresses. The cold and gray can’t compete with the returning sun and eventually it gives way. It is gradual but if you pay attention you see it happen. I make a point of noticing that the sky is brighter at 5pm than it was the same time the week before. The morning sky lightens earlier. On Christmas Day the sun is so low in the sky it shines directly into my living room. By the end of January that isn’t an issue. When the chickweed starts coming back and peeks out from the snow in early February I’m reassured that spring is on the way. Snow falls from the branches on our magnolia and you can see the sleepy buds perched there, waiting. Yes, the cold and snow are coming but the darkness and bleakness are just about over. The sun is coming back. That is indeed something to celebrate.

Best Cookies Ever!

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Dec 102018

These are Orange Sugar Cookies and they are delicious. As long as I can remember my mom made these every year for Christmas. They aren’t terribly fussy to make but she almost never made them any other time. That made them Christmas cookies. She would put half a maraschino cherry in the center of each one before she baked them. I prefer them plain.

The recipe is from this cookbook, published in 1968. These cookies are the creation of one Ms. Ann Green of Culpeper, VA and she won a blue ribbon for them from the Culpeper County Fair. I think it was well deserved.

The original recipe calls for shortening, which I never use, so I substituted butter. I also always double this recipe because they are so yummy they don’t last so one batch is never enough. They are the perfect cookie to have with a cup of tea. If you make them let me know.

ORANGE SUGAR COOKIES

1/2 cup of shortening (I use butter)

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp orange or lemon rind

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 egg

2 tbsp milk

2 cups sifted flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

3/4 tsp nutmeg

Blend together shortening, salt, rind and 1 cup of sugar.

Beat in egg and milk.

Stir in flour, baking powder, and baking soda which have been sifted together.

Chill; form into small balls about the size of walnuts. Roll in a mixture of remaining sugar and nutmeg. Place on lightly greased baking sheet; press each ball down with bottom of a glass dipped in the sugar nutmeg mixture.

Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in 400F degree oven

Enjoy!

Suspicion

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Dec 032018

So, I’m sitting there, across from a rather bothered woman. My cards are on the table between us and I’ve explained what they are saying about her husband. She doesn’t believe me. Her arms are folded. She’s leaning back in her chair and looking at me like she can’t believe I just said what I did. Her eyes are narrowing and her tongue is working around the inside of her mouth and she’s staring daggers at me.

Why? Because she asked me if her husband was cheating on her and I told her “No.”

You would think that was good news. I would think that was good news. Learning that her husband loves her and is faithful to her pissed this woman off. She was so sure he was cheating. She was so sure I was going to confirm her suspicions. When the cards contradicted her she had a choice. She could examine herself and what she was thinking and why. But she didn’t. She chose to think the worst of her husband and conclude that I was a fraud.

Suspicion and distrust have a place but it’s at the end of the line of options not the beginning. Frequently enough, I see people whose first reaction to situations is suspicion. They rapidly find a target for their suspicion and convince themselves that they are clever and have it all figured out. Given time they even get self-righteous about it. But they aren’t clever. They don’t have it all figured out. They are afraid and insecure. Those two feelings make people do whacky things.

This woman sat across from me and told me a list of events that could have been innocent or not. She had no evidence that her husband was up to no good. All she had were suspicions based on how she felt. I’m all for trusting your gut but your gut needs to be educated. (that is a blog post for another day)

People who default to suspicion use it as a defense mechanism to combat their insecurities and fears. They don’t require proof. They just know. It makes them feel in control. It feels like they have a handle on the things that are hurting them and that those things are someone else’s fault. That is so much easier for them than the self-examination they really need to do.

While they are protecting themselves they are destroying their relationships. Suspicion is corrosive. It is hurtful. Damaged trust is very difficult to repair. It’s especially hard when the person who no longer trusts you has no good reason not to. How do you defend yourself against false charges and prove you didn’t do something? You can’t.

This angry, hurt woman made snide comments about my skill as a reader. Knowing I don’t give refunds she insinuated that I should since I wasted her time. There were a few more choice tidbits. I didn’t respond to any of them. She is, of course, going to tell all her friends that I’m no good and a waste of money. I wished her well. I also smudged my space and put her name in the “Fired” file.

Truthfully, I don’t care that she thinks I’m a fraud. I feel bad for her husband because she has convinced herself he is up to no good and there is nothing that will change her mind. Her attitude is going to end her marriage and she will blame him and not see that it was all her doing.

Tips From the Tarot for Handling the Holidays

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Nov 262018

Before the Thanksgiving dinner had even cooled off, retailers everywhere were on to the next thing: Christmas. The Black Friday emails came in waves. There were advertisements in my mail box and leaping off TV and computer screens. It made it difficult to catch my breath.

I appreciate that retailers need to make money to stay in business and this time of year is big for most of them. I also appreciate my peace of mind and moving at my own pace. If you too find this holiday frenzy a bit much then keep reading. The tarot and I have some tips for you.

10 of Wands ~ Work smart not hard

It’s much less stressful to make one trip and get five things than to make five trips for those same things. A little planning and strategizing goes a long way. Before you spend a penny make a list of who you are buying for and what you are buying for them. I then break this down by which stores will likely have which things and make one trip to each store getting all those things. My favorite is when I can do all this online from the comfort of my own home. When you know exactly what you want or near to it, online shopping can be a huge time and aggravation saver. With the big things out of the way first, wandering a store or two looking for the little touches and stocking-stuffers can actually be enjoyable.

3 of Pentacles ~ Teamwork and delegating

Working smarter can and should include some teamwork and delegating. Do you have a good friend you could go shopping with? Not only will you have the opportunity to catch up with them, and enjoy each other’s company, you can help each other make gift decisions on the spot. This works with a sibling, an older child, even your spouse if they are into shopping.

There is more to this season than buying gifts. Depending on your traditions there are specialty foods, decorations, and social gatherings. Two of my daughters love to decorate my house for Christmas, so I let them. Are you hosting a holiday gathering? Let the guests contribute to the feast. Are you someone else’s guest? Ask what you can do for her. My husband and I wrap the gifts together. He does some of the cards and I do others. When my kids were little my friends and I would take turns watching the kids while the other one ran errands or did holiday prep. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed.

3 of Cups ~ Make time to celebrate with your friends

Speaking of friends, plan a date with yours. Instead of buying each other gifts go out as a group to a nice dinner. If that’s not your style, or not in your budget, plan a potluck party instead. Pick a theme, pick a date, and have a nice evening with your friends. Experiences are often much better than things and a relaxed evening of good company and good food is a wonderful experience.

5 of Pentacles ~ Remember those less fortunate than you

No matter how tight your budget there is always someone living tighter than you are. If you can give money there are many excellent charities doing good work that can use your financial support. The local churches in our town have giving trees and you can find a specific person to give to. Giving of your time is another way to help out. The local food pantry will always be happy to have help. Give them a call and ask them when they will need it. Perhaps your church or town is running a free holiday dinner. You can volunteer to help with that.

If time is also at a premium for you and your family, you can go through your belongings and see what you have that you can donate. Clothing that you haven’t worn in a year or two, but it’s still perfectly good, can find new life with someone else. It’s also a good time to go through books, toys, DVDs, whatever else you can think of. Take one afternoon and go through your house, fill up a kitchen bag with good stuff you don’t need and donate it.

10 of Cups ~ Celebrate

This is a time for celebration. It’s a time for joy. It’s time for enjoying your life and those people near and dear to you. If you find yourself getting stressed or anxious remember the reason you are doing all this. Think about the good things that have gone on since this time last year. Find gratitude for the people who share your life and your home and express it that appreciation with love.

Acceptance

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Nov 192018

The most important part of any lasting relationship is acceptance. Friendship, family, coworker, and most of all spousal relationships benefit from acceptance. People are flawed. They can be irritating, self-centered, and just downright annoying. You cannot love someone for who they are and attempt to change who they are at the same time. Accept them as they are; especially if you love them.

Now, understand that acceptance, and approval, are not the same thing. They have been conflated in our culture by people who have been careless with their words. Acceptance is seeing someone for who they are and acknowledging the truth about them. Approval is celebrating what you find in another. It is actively, liking something that the other person is, or says, or does. Acceptance has nothing to do with liking what’s going on. Acceptance is closer to non-resistance than it is to approval.

Acceptance is difficult when the other person is very different from you or holds different values from yours. Under those circumstances approval is nearly impossible. In any meaningful relationship this will come up time and again. It is important to remember that while the other person is yours in a relational way, (your child; your parent; your spouse) they are not your property. They are adults who belong to themselves and the choices they make about their lives are also theirs, not yours. By accepting the adults in your life as they are, you are respecting their autonomy.

This Thanksgiving Day, when you find yourself seated between the one relative who voted for Hillary and thinks Obama was the greatest president ever, and the other relative who is wearing a MAGA hat, remember the good things about these people you love and accept the whackiness that makes them the individuals that they are.

Disappointment

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Nov 122018

In the last week or so I have pulled the four of cups and the five of cups for quite a few clients I’ve read for. When a card shows up a lot I pay attention to it. Sometimes it’s something I need to look into for myself and other times it’s a heads up about the energy around at the time. I did the introspective thing on this and I’m not particularly disappointed or dissatisfied with my world right now. I took a step back, got a wider view and I can see this energy simmering away in several areas. That’s not a good thing.

Disappointment happens when your expectations and reality don’t agree. When that thing you wanted so much, that you believed it was real, turns out not to be so real after all. How invested you are in your version of things effects how deeply disappointed you will be when the world tells you can’t have that version.

Adjusting to reality is a process and for some people it takes only a few moments. They understand that this is the way it goes and they move on to the next thing. Other people resist for a while as they work through it. The idea that things are not as they want them to be is too much for small bunch of people so they ignore reality to varying degrees. A few resist forever.

(Helena Bonham Carter as Miss Havisham)

Accepting that you aren’t going to get your way is part of the human experience. It happens to us all. Understanding that you aren’t alone is helpful in processing this and processing this is important. One of the many obstacles we put in our own way is our refusal to move past disappointments.

We so very much want things to go our way that some of us get angry at reality and try to force the outcome we want. Some even do this repeatedly aiming for the same outcome. Each time we are thwarted we find a new way to manipulate things to get our way. And each time we do this we make facing that disappointment harder for ourselves.

People who take it this far feel entitled to have things turn out the way they want. Out of frustration they come to readers like me expecting an easy answer or a quick solution to their quandary. They really don’t see their own part in this until those cups cards show up and we start talking about what they are focusing on and what they are missing.

These readings go one of two ways. Either the client gets mad at me or they catch on right there. The angry clients don’t come see me for months or they never come back at all. The ones who are ready to do the work, to get out of their own way, hear what the cards and I have to say. Sometimes there are tears. Most of the time we can get to a level of acceptance and the client feels lighter and more in control of her life. Those breakthroughs happened quite a few times this week and it made me love this work all over again.

Gratitude ~ The Healthiest Emotion

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Nov 052018

This is the month of Thanksgiving. If you go into most retail shops you would think it’s Christmastime. It’s not. It’s time to be grateful.

Brother David Steindl-Rast, who has a TED Talk titled Want to be happy? Be Grateful said “The root of joy is gratefulness…It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

Gratitude is expansive. It makes what you have enough. Your life, your home, your job, your relationships, all become more when you appreciate the gifts that they are. As the opposite of scarcity thinking it puts you in a mindset of abundance and shapes your awareness of how good things actually are. It’s an appreciation for the things in your life and your life itself. Zig Ziglar called gratitude the healthiest emotion and he went on to say the more grateful you are the more you will have to be grateful about. He’s right because your brain loves to have its biases confirmed. If you focus on things to be grateful for it will find more for you.

At its simplest gratitude is a decision. It is an active choice to see what there is to be grateful for. This requires a shift in focus. Sometimes that can be a challenge but the practice of living in a state of gratitude is so transformative it is worth the effort. There have been many psychological and scientific studies done on the effects of gratitude on your quality of life and the benefits it bestows. The active practice of being in gratitude releases dopamine, a feel good brain chemical. So, not only does this practice make you happier it helps you sleep better, and alleviates depression.

Spend this month being grateful and see what happens.

Halloween Fun and Frights

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Oct 292018

This is the time of year when the thoughts of even the most straight-laced among us turn toward the otherworldly. Most people will play around the edges. They will tell ghost stories or visit “haunted” places telling themselves it’s all make believe. It’s harmless the way a zoo animal is harmless: there are barricades between you and the scary thing so you can feel safe.

The more adventurous might break out a Ouija board, half hoping something will happen, and completely freaking out when it does. That’s a bit riskier. It’s like finding a black bear wandering through the RV Park you’re camping at. It’s a real brush with wild nature but still within the relative safety of society.

When I was eleven I bought a Ouija board at a church flea market. I kid you not, a church flea market. I couldn’t believe it was just sitting there. My friend and I couldn’t wait to try it out. The next time I slept over her house I brought it with me and we went right to her room to see what all the fuss was about. Neither of us personally knew any dead people at the time and it was around the Bicentennial so we tried to contact one of the Founding Fathers. It might have been Jefferson or Franklin. I don’t remember. We were weird kids.

I will never forget when that planchette started moving. I accused her of pushing it and she accused me and we both came to the terrifying realization that something else was moving it.

We probably screamed. We were two eleven year old girls. I know we both backed away from that board. I think we threw a blanket over it. I’m not sure what we thought that would accomplish. We gathered it up, put all the parts, including the box, into a garbage bag, and took it outside to the trash can. There may have been some holy water thrown at it for good measure. Her mom was Catholic enough to have holy water in the house. We went back inside good and properly spooked. That experience cured her of dabbling. Me? not so much.

It got me curious. Once I calmed down and realized that nothing terrible had happened, I wanted to know more. I wanted to know what could make that device move and what else was out there. It was my introduction to how much bigger and stranger the universe was compared to what I’d been taught and I wanted to explore it.

That exploration is not unlike a wilderness hike. There are dangerous things out there and you need to know how to avoid them or at least to not piss them off. An experienced guide is quite useful. An education of what is and is not safe is important. Understanding of and respect for entities you will encounter and the territory you will traverse is also key. There are plenty of cautionary tales about people who go into the wilderness unprepared or with misguided ideas about the threat posed by wolves and bears and things. There are also stories about people whose wits are damaged by wandering into the metaphysical wilderness unprepared.

So, this Halloween enjoy your ghost stories and haunted houses. Even play with a Ouija board if you dare. But, if you have your interest piqued by the experience, be sure to educate and prepare yourself before you take it any further.

So Much Weirder Than You Know

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Oct 222018

There are two things I know to be true:

The Universe is much weirder than we’ve been taught to believe.
A real thing doesn’t stop being real because you choose not to believe it.

In the general population, these two things collide all the time.

The average person, in the western world, experiences an apparition, and their first instinct is to explain it away. They’ve been taught that this isn’t real so they process the phenomena in a way that is culturally acceptable. It wasn’t a ghost. It was a trick of the light. I didn’t hear someone call my name. I must just be overtired and hearing things. Yes, it is chilly right here. There must be a draft. I didn’t really just smell my mother’s perfume. It’s a coincidence that I was thinking of him and that song came on the radio.

Maintaining the illusion, that our perceived physical reality is all there is, can be quite comforting. There is no challenge to our foundational beliefs about the world if we can file the weirdness away in a safe place. It’s a culturally promoted form of dissociation and for most of us it works most of the time.

Some of us, though, don’t play along. We don’t pretend we didn’t see what we saw. We talk to our dear departed and then keep an eye, or an ear, out for the response. We know there are things living in the woods and wild places who don’t leave tracks behind. We know that for millennia humans communicated with the Others and that we can too … if we’re careful. We know some of these things can be very dangerous if we’re not. Most importantly we know that training and respect are required to do this well. We also know that if you don’t know what you’re doing it might be best to pretend that was just a breeze you felt.

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