Coneflower Soul

So, I’m sitting there, across from a rather bothered woman. My cards are on the table between us and I’ve explained what they are saying about her husband. She doesn’t believe me. Her arms are folded. She’s leaning back in her chair and looking at me like she can’t believe I just said what I did. Her eyes are narrowing and her tongue is working around the inside of her mouth and she’s staring daggers at me.

Why? Because she asked me if her husband was cheating on her and I told her “No.”

You would think that was good news. I would think that was good news. Learning that her husband loves her and is faithful to her pissed this woman off. She was so sure he was cheating. She was so sure I was going to confirm her suspicions. When the cards contradicted her she had a choice. She could examine herself and what she was thinking and why. But she didn’t. She chose to think the worst of her husband and conclude that I was a fraud.

Suspicion and distrust have a place but it’s at the end of the line of options not the beginning. Frequently enough, I see people whose first reaction to situations is suspicion. They rapidly find a target for their suspicion and convince themselves that they are clever and have it all figured out. Given time they even get self-righteous about it. But they aren’t clever. They don’t have it all figured out. They are afraid and insecure. Those two feelings make people do whacky things.

This woman sat across from me and told me a list of events that could have been innocent or not. She had no evidence that her husband was up to no good. All she had were suspicions based on how she felt. I’m all for trusting your gut but your gut needs to be educated. (that is a blog post for another day)

People who default to suspicion use it as a defense mechanism to combat their insecurities and fears. They don’t require proof. They just know. It makes them feel in control. It feels like they have a handle on the things that are hurting them and that those things are someone else’s fault. That is so much easier for them than the self-examination they really need to do.

While they are protecting themselves they are destroying their relationships. Suspicion is corrosive. It is hurtful. Damaged trust is very difficult to repair. It’s especially hard when the person who no longer trusts you has no good reason not to. How do you defend yourself against false charges and prove you didn’t do something? You can’t.

This angry, hurt woman made snide comments about my skill as a reader. Knowing I don’t give refunds she insinuated that I should since I wasted her time. There were a few more choice tidbits. I didn’t respond to any of them. She is, of course, going to tell all her friends that I’m no good and a waste of money. I wished her well. I also smudged my space and put her name in the “Fired” file.

Truthfully, I don’t care that she thinks I’m a fraud. I feel bad for her husband because she has convinced herself he is up to no good and there is nothing that will change her mind. Her attitude is going to end her marriage and she will blame him and not see that it was all her doing.

In the last week or so I have pulled the four of cups and the five of cups for quite a few clients I’ve read for. When a card shows up a lot I pay attention to it. Sometimes it’s something I need to look into for myself and other times it’s a heads up about the energy around at the time. I did the introspective thing on this and I’m not particularly disappointed or dissatisfied with my world right now. I took a step back, got a wider view and I can see this energy simmering away in several areas. That’s not a good thing.

Disappointment happens when your expectations and reality don’t agree. When that thing you wanted so much, that you believed it was real, turns out not to be so real after all. How invested you are in your version of things effects how deeply disappointed you will be when the world tells you can’t have that version.

Adjusting to reality is a process and for some people it takes only a few moments. They understand that this is the way it goes and they move on to the next thing. Other people resist for a while as they work through it. The idea that things are not as they want them to be is too much for small bunch of people so they ignore reality to varying degrees. A few resist forever.

(Helena Bonham Carter as Miss Havisham)

Accepting that you aren’t going to get your way is part of the human experience. It happens to us all. Understanding that you aren’t alone is helpful in processing this and processing this is important. One of the many obstacles we put in our own way is our refusal to move past disappointments.

We so very much want things to go our way that some of us get angry at reality and try to force the outcome we want. Some even do this repeatedly aiming for the same outcome. Each time we are thwarted we find a new way to manipulate things to get our way. And each time we do this we make facing that disappointment harder for ourselves.

People who take it this far feel entitled to have things turn out the way they want. Out of frustration they come to readers like me expecting an easy answer or a quick solution to their quandary. They really don’t see their own part in this until those cups cards show up and we start talking about what they are focusing on and what they are missing.

These readings go one of two ways. Either the client gets mad at me or they catch on right there. The angry clients don’t come see me for months or they never come back at all. The ones who are ready to do the work, to get out of their own way, hear what the cards and I have to say. Sometimes there are tears. Most of the time we can get to a level of acceptance and the client feels lighter and more in control of her life. Those breakthroughs happened quite a few times this week and it made me love this work all over again.

For the longest time I only had the title of this post written. The topic of soulmates comes up all the time. One blog post is probably not enough to explore it fully, but trust me on this: stop looking for your soulmate.

I’ve heard all the stories you’re telling yourself. I’ve had dozens of dreamy-eyed clients share them with me in hopes that the cards can give them a date and time for Prince Charming’s arrival. It doesn’t work that way.

The idea of soulmates has been around for ages. Plato discusses it in his Symposium. He has the gods splitting multi-limbed humans into the bipeds we are now, leaving us longing for our missing half. There is the idea of Twin Flames which is one soul in two bodies. Edgar Cayce has you hooking up life after life with the same soulmate. I get the appeal. It’s sort of romantic to think there is someone out there who is the ideal fit for you. Add to this, romance novels and movies that revolve around the idea of a perfect mate who swoops in and they live happily ever after, and you have a persistent idea that won’t go away.

As a concept it’s lovely. As a way of operating in the world it’s problematic. It actually gets in the way of meaningful connection. If you think there is a perfect person waiting out there for you then you also think you know exactly what that looks like. This creates a template that all potential mates have to fit into or you reject them as not being ‘the one.’ Expecting perfection from people is unreasonable and sets you up for disappointment and them for frustration. Depending on what you believe about soulmates you will end relationships because of disagreements, or even simple misunderstandings. You tell yourself that your real soulmate would never do this or that or the other thing and you decide that behavior is proof that the person you are with is not right for you. Relationships don’t work this way.

Humans are flawed. Each and every one of us is imperfect. Having a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with someone is not effortless, even if that someone is who you are destined to be with. Expecting another person to intuitively know what you want and how to be with you is unrealistic and unfair. No one can do that and especially not before you really know each other. If you chase them off or ghost them you will never get to really know each other.

Why do I say stop looking for your soulmate? Because, the quest for a life partner is not a pursuit; it’s more about being the right person than it is about hunting for the right person. Stop looking for your soulmate and focus on being the best version of you that you can be. Learn who you really are and what you really want. Most importantly: Trust. Trust the Powers That Be to arrange the meeting at the optimal time. Trust that a guy who meets the good guy checklist is worth the effort even if he doesn’t conform to your notion of perfect. Trust yourself enough to allow for imperfection.

(photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash)