Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Stop Looking For Your Soulmate

Oct 152018

For the longest time I only had the title of this post written. The topic of soulmates comes up all the time. One blog post is probably not enough to explore it fully, but trust me on this: stop looking for your soulmate.

I’ve heard all the stories you’re telling yourself. I’ve had dozens of dreamy-eyed clients share them with me in hopes that the cards can give them a date and time for Prince Charming’s arrival. It doesn’t work that way.

The idea of soulmates has been around for ages. Plato discusses it in his Symposium. He has the gods splitting multi-limbed humans into the bipeds we are now, leaving us longing for our missing half. There is the idea of Twin Flames which is one soul in two bodies. Edgar Cayce has you hooking up life after life with the same soulmate. I get the appeal. It’s sort of romantic to think there is someone out there who is the ideal fit for you. Add to this, romance novels and movies that revolve around the idea of a perfect mate who swoops in and they live happily ever after, and you have a persistent idea that won’t go away.

As a concept it’s lovely. As a way of operating in the world it’s problematic. It actually gets in the way of meaningful connection. If you think there is a perfect person waiting out there for you then you also think you know exactly what that looks like. This creates a template that all potential mates have to fit into or you reject them as not being ‘the one.’ Expecting perfection from people is unreasonable and sets you up for disappointment and them for frustration. Depending on what you believe about soulmates you will end relationships because of disagreements, or even simple misunderstandings. You tell yourself that your real soulmate would never do this or that or the other thing and you decide that behavior is proof that the person you are with is not right for you. Relationships don’t work this way.

Humans are flawed. Each and every one of us is imperfect. Having a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with someone is not effortless, even if that someone is who you are destined to be with. Expecting another person to intuitively know what you want and how to be with you is unrealistic and unfair. No one can do that and especially not before you really know each other. If you chase them off or ghost them you will never get to really know each other.

Why do I say stop looking for your soulmate? Because, the quest for a life partner is not a pursuit; it’s more about being the right person than it is about hunting for the right person. Stop looking for your soulmate and focus on being the best version of you that you can be. Learn who you really are and what you really want. Most importantly: Trust. Trust the Powers That Be to arrange the meeting at the optimal time. Trust that a guy who meets the good guy checklist is worth the effort even if he doesn’t conform to your notion of perfect. Trust yourself enough to allow for imperfection.

(photo by Joe Yates on Unsplash)

Ancestors

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Oct 082018

“Each time my feet touched the earth I knew my mother was there with me. I knew this body was not mine, but a living continuation of my mother and my father and my grandparents and great-grandparents; Of all my ancestors. Those feet that I saw as ‘my’ feet were actually ‘our’ feet. Together my mother and I were leaving footprints in the damp soil.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh from No Death, No Fear

My daughter worked in the marketing department of a local company for the past three years. There were months in there where she was the entire marketing department all by herself. They loved her. She received great evaluations and several raises over the years. Then they hired a new manager who decided to change things up. He fired her. (He fired a few other people too but I’m not their mother and this story is about my girl.)

This was the first time she was ever fired from a job. She was so hurt and angry. They didn’t even give her a reason, which they don’t have to, but it would have at least helped her make sense of it. Life is like that though. Shitty things happen and you don’t always know why. It’s difficult watching your children go through life’s hard times.

She took a day to regroup and then set about finding a new job. We live in the Lower Hudson Valley and a lot of people here commute into New York City for work. It would be soul crushing for her to have to do that but we both knew if there were no bites locally she would. To help her out I did some road opening work on her behalf. She found lots of local jobs to apply to but no one was biting. After a month of this I decided to call in the big guns. I asked my dad for help.

My father was a corporate headhunter. He had spent his whole career in personnel work of one kind or another. He wrote amazing resumes and helped a few of my friends find work when they found themselves unemployed. He would have been thrilled to help her navigate the waters of job hunting. I really wish I could have just picked up the phone or had her call him, but he died in 2012. A phone wasn’t going to work.

In my home I have a nice bookcase full of books and family photos. If you were to visit me you wouldn’t think you were looking at my ancestor altar. But you would be. I know the names of many of my people on my father’s side going back about two hundred years. On my mother’s side I know less. I have photos of my grandparents, one set of great grandparents, and even one set of great-great grandparents. They sacrificed a lot so I could be here today. I thank them for that on a regular basis. On a recent day I asked them for help. I asked on behalf of my daughter, who is their child too. I asked them to help her by lining up the opportunities she needed. She would do all the mundane work. I had a conversation with them like I would have if I could have phoned them. They were told the finer details of the situation and how it fit into modern life and her life. I asked my dad specifically for whatever help he could give her. He understood the finer points of personnel and hiring better than any of the rest.

The next morning she called me. She had an interview. A resume she sent out nearly two months ago landed on the right desk and they were excited to talk to her. The job was perfect for her and by the end of the week they offered it to her. It was more money than she was making at the previous place and the commute was the same. She was overjoyed and so were we.

Family is family whether they are here or passed on. They are ours and we are theirs. The ancestors are the suffering, wisdom, and love of generations of our family. Thanking them for making your life possible and occasionally asking the loving members for guidance and help is a way to honor them. We are the family they built. We are blood of their blood and bone of their bone. We are the result of their love and their sacrifices, and they are our allies.

Autumn is Here

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Oct 012018

I’ve been seeing lots of posts regarding a phenomenon called Autumn Anxiety, so named by a therapist in Wales, Ginny Scully, who was seeing a lot of patients with similar symptoms this time of year. It’s attributed to the crush of responsibility that a lot of people feel when summer ends and the “real world” comes crashing back in. Some say it has to do with the shortened days and a feeling of anticipation but they can’t quite pinpoint what they are anticipating. There are lots of articles online with decent advice for dealing with this but none of them address the thing I think is partially at fault here.

There is a primal part of us that is still very much at work in our lives. It is the animal part of us that we like to pretend doesn’t exist. The fear response we have to perceived threats dates all the way back deep into prehistory; to prelanguage days actually. It’s function is to keep you alive by warning you of dangers. The brain of a modern human still has this fear response because it worked so well for our ancestors that they passed it down to us. Yay! It’s a wonderful thing when it keeps us from getting killed by a bear or burning ourselves in a fire. It’s when this response is triggered by things that aren’t really dangerous that we have problems. This sometimes manifests as anxiety.

With the changing weather comes the end of the harvest. For thousands of years this was the time of year that our ancestors either put by enough food for the coming winter or they didn’t. They knew that a bad growing season meant a hard winter. If, in February, they were out of onions, that was that. There was no supermarket to run to. The shortening days meant time was running out to put away grain for the coming months. It meant that they had only a few more weeks before the frost and freezes drove them indoors and they had to be prepared for whatever might come so they could survive the winter. Our ancestors operated like this for millennia. It had to have a lasting effect on our human psyche.

In the modern world we have outsourced almost all our basic needs. We don’t hunt, gather, build our own homes, sew our own clothes, chop our own wood; at least most of us don’t. Some of us do these things as hobbies now. We work for money to pay others to do these things for us because they can do it more effectively for the most part. But deep in our brains is the primal us. The part that knows that winter can kill you. The part that knows we didn’t grow any food this year. That ancient relic from our ancestors is triggered when the days get shorter and the air gets colder. I think acknowledging this instinctual response to the season is helpful in handling the change.

There is Plenty of Room at the Card Table

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Sep 242018

I had an interesting conversation with Theresa Reed, The Tarot Lady, about the latest wave of nonsense claiming the fall of fortune telling and divination. It’s a claim that’s been made by various people over the years. Usually they are trying to sell you their new and improved way of doing things and feel they can’t do that without downplaying and diminishing the traditional ways. Aside from being incorrect, it’s a scarcity minded place to operate from. My beliefs and practices are firmly rooted in abundance. There are lots of right ways to do this work.

I know that as long as there have been thinking humans on the planet there has been divination. I know that every tribe and culture throughout our existence has had some form of communicating with the divine and getting answers by reading the symbols either of specific tools or in the world around them. I know that as humans evolved and became more sophisticated their tools for divination did too. I also know that the old ways still work and work well. Have you ever just asked for a sign? And then received one?

When I read for my clients I start by having them throw stones. We discuss what I can see in the stones, how that lines up with their lives, and the predictions the stones are making about the next few months. Then we dig deeper into specifics by pulling cards. We take a look into the future because we can. Because my clients know it is better to have more information about what is coming to make better decisions about what to do next. When I do this work I’m standing in a flow that has been used for millennia to help us guide ourselves forward. It is probability and possibility and life energy. Most of the readers I know and recommend work in similar ways and look into the future because that’s what people want from us. But I get that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

A reader, whose books I have read, whose work I admire, and in front of whom I made a fangirl fool of myself when I met her, prefers to take a more psychological approach with her readings and her clients. I have a dear friend who explores the Akashic records with her clients. Another good friend only focuses on past lives. There is room for all these different practices and it is not necessary to disrespect another type of work because it is a different focus than your own. And there is no way that a practice that has been around as long as there has been language, is going away because someone found a new twist for a familiar tool.

(Art work: The Fortune Teller by Jehan Georges Vibert)

Everything that irritates us

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Sep 172018

Why do some people just get on your very last nerve? There is either something about them personally or something they do that drives you nuts. And they seem to be everywhere. It almost seems as if the Universe has decided to torment you and has sprinkled these people all over your life.

But is that what is actually going on?

There are people who place no value on things you know are important. People who get fixated on things you know are trivial and they won’t let them go. There’s that co-worker who complains constantly or the one who is so perky you want to slap her. Everyone has habits and personality quirks that get on someone’s nerves. Yet, at the same time, those irritating people have family and friends who love them. How can that be? What is at the heart of this phenomenon?

Well, it’s you.

Whose last nerve is feeling worked on? Who is irritated? Whose values feel threatened? Yours.

Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding about ourselves.” This is what he was talking about.

When the perky co-worker comes by, teases you about having a case of the Mondays, and you get annoyed, you have just learned something about yourself. She is being herself, in her own way, and that bothers you. This is actually a useful thing. It is information you can use to understand yourself better.

The goal here is not for you to work through this and like everyone. That’s not realistic and not going to happen. But we can peacefully coexist with irritating people if we can own our own shit. Your reaction to people is yours. It exists because of who you are, what you believe, what you value, and dozens of other factors that make up the unique individual that is you. So when Perky Coworker comes along being her perky self and you feel irritated ask yourself why. Why does this bother me? What does this reaction tell me about myself? And see where the answers take you.

What Tarot can and can’t do for you

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Sep 102018

As long as there have been people there has been divination. Our ancient ancestors understood, better than we do, that we are connected to everything around us and the life energy of the Universe flows through all of it. They would seek advice, comfort, and consultation from the Universe and look for the answers in the patterns of life around them…and find it.

Eventually civilizations developed and, in each, systems of communicating with the Universe became more structured and codified. Decades and centuries of experience informed each practice. Charts and signs and symbols were all given meaning and translated into usable information for those seeking answers. Tarot is one of those systems and reading it is a centuries old practice. Like all the other systems, when well practiced, it’s good but it isn’t perfect.

It isn’t perfect because we aren’t perfect and because we aren’t supposed to know everything that is going to happen in detail.

A tarot reading, like other forms of divination, will give you guidance. It will give you data you can use to make decisions. Often what you find in a reading is validation for what you already thought you knew. The cards can show you the missing bits of the story, or point out the parts you are refusing to look at. They will even give you a slap upside the head when you refuse to do the work you need to do or see what’s right in front of your face. A reading can provide comfort and it can also make you uncomfortable. The cards will push against your resistance. They will speak to you of your self-imposed limitations and, if you ask, will give guidance to overcome those. Tarot is an excellent tool for introspection. It helps you dig deep into yourself and to understand your behaviors. In ritual it can be used as a communication device with the Divine. In magic it can be used as a focus for manipulating energies. In everyday life it can be used to help you better prepare for living your normal existence.

Tarot can’t help you win the lottery. The lottery is too random. It’s like using the cards to predict a lightning strike. We have all tried to win the lottery at least once and it just doesn’t work that way. Sorry. The cards can’t give you permission to do anything. When you ask questions like ‘should I…’ or ‘can I…’ you are asking for permission and you won’t get it. Most of the time the permission you need needs to come from within. The cards might tell you that but they won’t make your decisions for you. Ask the right questions and you will get the support and information you need. Ask the wrong things and you will have it all turned back on you or get a reading we readers loving refer to as mud.

Approach tarot in particular, and divination in general, as a responsible adult. Ask the question you really want answered and you will gain insights into your life, your world and your path. And if you don’t like what you hear you can ignore it all.

Aromatherapy and Me ~ Relax. It’s not a sales pitch

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Sep 042018

I sent out a newsletter which included an aromatherapy blend. I didn’t think much of it. I like that blend myself and thought I’d share. The response I got was not what I expected. Apparently it’s become rare for someone to share aromatherapy blends, ideas, recipes, without also trying to sell essential oils. I don’t sell essential oils. I’m not interested in selling essential oils. I find sales pitches that masquerade as friendly advice to be a huge turnoff. It’s a surefire way to lose my trust. That’s not at all what my aromatherapy posts are about. I really like essential oils and use them all the time and have done so for over thirty years. If I share something with you it’s because I like it and thought you might too.

My oldest child is thirty. When I was pregnant with her I had an issue and my nurse midwife suggested Lavender EO. I didn’t know her very well and didn’t know what she was talking about so I did what I always do when I want to learn something: I went looking for some books on the subject. What I found was a health food store with some seriously knowledgeable staff and some so so books. I bought Lavender oil and Tea Tree oil and for years that was all I had. I used them on myself and my little baby and her brother who came along a few years later. I made my own baby wipes that had essential oils in them and they helped prevent diaper rash. As time went on I found better books and learned a lot more. I used a few drops of Eucalyptus EO in the humidifier when they were congested. I cleaned my house with Pine Needle essential oil and borax because it was safer for little lungs than the chemicals in most commercial cleaners. I put cotton balls with Peppermint oil on them in places to discourage mice. As I learned about more and different oils my collection grew and my usage expanded.

At some point, I want to say it was in the early nineties but it may have been more like 1995 or 96, I interacted with someone who was selling essential oils the way my mother’s friends sold Tupperware. It was weird. I was part of an email list of moms who were all there to help each other out and this person seemed friendly. Then the friendly helpful stuff became a sales pitch and that was it for me.

I don’t begrudge anyone a living and I get that sometimes the best way to be there for your family and still work is to join a multi-level marketing company. It was just so contrary to my personal experience with aromatherapy that I was not okay with most of what that particular company was doing. Those ladies were tenacious. I don’t know what they taught in their sales meetings but it got to where the moderators of several email lists had to forbid the topic altogether. That was pretty much the end of hearing from that company for me.

A few years ago another such company popped up. I was only peripherally aware of them. I spent all of a half hour on their website. I checked their vetting and their prices and was done with them too. The world of social media now is so different from my early mommy years and I have so much more control over who and what I let into my space. This new breed of MLM essential oil people were never really a thing in my world. So, imagine my surprise when someone thought I was one of them.

No, I am not selling essential oils. No, I don’t want to sell essential oils.

I love them.

I use them all the time.

I will not stop talking about them because I find them useful, and helpful. I don’t buy from the MLM companies because I have my favorite brands, I trust them and feel no need to switch.

What I post is based on my personal experience and I’m sharing it with you because it’s either helped me or made me happy and I think it might do the same for you.

No strings attached.

Endings and Beginnings

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Aug 272018

Our youngest left yesterday morning for her second year of college. It was very different from last year this time when our baby was going off to college for the first time. There is less unknown, less worry, less weeping. Being away at school was very good for her. She was ready for it and she thrived in that environment. That made it easier for us to let go this year when she left. She seemed very much a high school student this time last year and now she’s a young woman. How much of that is a change in her and how much is a change in our perspective, I have no idea. I’m just happy to see it.

Of course it didn’t stop me from drawing cards for her year ahead. A quick overview of sophomore year.

Bright and hopeful yet at the same time balanced and grounded and ready for the next adventure.

This school year does feel very different for me too. It took me awhile to get used to having no children to care for. I know, she was a high school senior, but I had to be available for her now and then. With her physically gone from the house, and taking care of herself elsewhere, I was freed up to focus on my own stuff uninterrupted. It took some getting used to. When she came home for the summer it was a different adjustment. Things got put on hold simply because there were more people in the house and I couldn’t take over as much space as I needed for some projects. Knowing she was leaving had me planning which of these things I was going to dive back into.

That surprised me a bit.

Then I thought about it and realized that I have let her go.

You’re not ever really done being a parent but the relationship shifts as the kids get older. She is and always will be my baby girl but she is her own person more and more each day. It’s wonderful to witness.

Who Really Uses Tarot?

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Aug 202018

Movies and television would have you believe that only the most superstitious among us believe in divination. They portray these characters as sweet, well-meaning, but gullible. You know, the schtick: smart American teenager dragged along to the fortune teller by their grandma or an aunt who hangs on every word the readers says while the kid rolls her eyes. Sometimes they throw us a bone and have something happen to teenager that is uncanny and the reader predicted it. Teen considers for a moment that divination is not so silly and they leave you wondering.

But is that what really goes on?

No.

Do I have superstitious clients? Yes, and so does my accountant and dentist and auto mechanic … but I have lots of clients who aren’t what you’d consider superstitious. They are intelligent, well educated, and understand that something bigger is going on in the world; something more than what they can see right in front of them. Together we tap into that to help them steer their lives accordingly.

There was:

~ A school principal who needed a strategy for dealing with a resistant school board. I pulled cards and together we designed a game plan for her school that benefited her students and didn’t irritate the board.

~ An IT specialist who needed help deciding which career path was best for him.

~ A Special Ed teacher who was meeting administrative roadblocks for implementing some excellent programs. Tarot showed us where the blockages were and how to deal with them.

~ The charming young woman who was presented with a career opportunity she never expected and didn’t know how to navigate.

~ The business owner who wasn’t sure if he should relocate his shop or open a second location.

These are all serious people. They are smart, educated, thoughtful, and know to make use of the tools available no matter how unconventional. Aside from that one episode of MadMen, I’ve never seen this side of Tarot portrayed on TV.

About Summertime

Posted by Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Aug 132018

Summer has quite a few lovable features. What’s not to like about long days, bright sunshine, and colorful flowers? Sitting in the yard as the sun sets and the fireflies come out, is unique to summertime. There is no need for extra layers of clothes when you go outside. Even the thunderstorms are more alive and vibrant this time of year. Yes, it’s all lovely, but summer is my least favorite season.

I enjoy the changes from one season to the next. I live where we get all of them and I do like them each in their turn. Summer, however, wears me out faster than the rest. By mid-August whatever charm summer holds is gone as the humidity closes in. The weight of the air makes even wide open spaces seem crowded and a simple stroll feels like work. Yes, watermelon is refreshing and fresh peaches can’t be beat. There is nothing quite like meat cooked over hot coals served with a fresh salad you picked that day from the garden. Yes, it’s all lovely and it all tastes better if eaten indoors in the air conditioning.

Summer seems to be everyone else’s favorite. I’m the odd one out. I’m okay with that. I love autumn. I love socks. I love soup and having to wear a sweater. I love cool breezes coming in through the windows I can finally open because it’s not blistering hot and sticky outside. Yes, give me a crisp, autumn day where I can bake bread without overheating myself and I will take that over any summer day out there.

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